august 12 2011 , another day of my life

the only thing that is keeping me happy right now is chris. if he wasen't here ..... u could guess.

mom and dad are both bein insulting fat bitches >=( i JUST CANT TAKE IT!!!!!!!!! i thought one of them was bad but both of them i just wanna die :/

yelling and screaming. laughing and hateing. :( why do i have the worste perents ever... why do i. im really considering running away from all this bullshit. but then i think of chris and how it wouldn't be fair if i left. :( i don't know what to do anymore.

i thought i just could shut it out and ignore it. but now i just cut this pain away. and watch the sorrow pour out.

life is just not treating me right. why is that. idk really and i think ill never know honestly. :( its just so upseting how i am treated.

i know what your thinking oh boo hoo who cares. and you know what u dont have to care. cause i want u to worry about yourself :) not me.

but i got to go. takeing in insults again :(

love u all <3 bye

august 11 2011, another day of my life

he is back <3 my love is back. oh how it felt so good to kiss him again :D his soft lips on mine <3 im so happy.

but on the other hand. my mom is being a bitch again. insulting me for being gay again :( she just so mean. and u know what my dad is in town :P that just makes it worse. he is so against who i am and how i look. and i thought my mom was bad. nope he is worst.

i cant stand him. grr why did he come??? i have no idea. but now i shall hide in my dark closet away with chris and we shall hide from the world. MWA HAHAHAHAHA!!!

but i g2g :(

we are going to have a little fun ;) not that way u dirty ppl. lol.
we are going to play some monopaliy :D

love ya all <3 bye

august 9 2011, another day of my life

today not the best day ever :/

woke up got dresssed went outside before my mom woke up and had a smoke. (only when im depressed). went back inside mom yelled at me so on so fourth.

sometimes i just wish i could vanish and see what she would do without anyone to yell at. that would be a interesting thing to see really. and honetly i don't think she could do it. in my opian anyways.

dinner came alone. it was all silent. not a single word out of her mouth or mine. witch is odd cause we could barly (well mom anyway) sit at a table together.

oh shit moms yelling again :( got to hide my wrists again.

be on soon. love ya all <3 bye

august 8 2011, another day of my life

i didn't want to wake up this morrning cause i knew it would be a horiable day. and with my luck it was. :( it always is. witch i don't understand really.


well after my shower is when it all started. mom yelling at me cause i put a little bit of eyeliner on to complete what i was wearing.


"guys don't wear eyeliner. why in the hell are u fucking wearing eyeliner". thats all i heard over and over again. not the best start out to the day.


so knowing my mo she gave me a slap across the face and said "stupid emo". yes even my mom hates emos. maybe thats why she absoultly hates me. *sigh*


i went to my room and started to blast some BOTDF (blood on the dance floor) just to piss off my mom. but she went out like usally so i was alone again. but i like being alone so score for me.


i brought out my writting book and started to write a song about my life and how it kills me each and everyday.


and the one thing i hate and i mean hate about my mom is. she does not and i repeat dose not like gays. so another thing to add to my life.


but im out cause i swear im going to pass out right here. (not tired. blood lost). well be one as soon as i can.


<3 love you all

august 2 2011 another day of my life

so after i woke up i got into a fight with my mom. good way to start out my day. *sigh*

after the fight i went to get dressed. i came out had some breackfast then i had to clean.... joy! NOT!!!!!!!! that just made my day so much better grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
yeah
i got into another fight with my mom so i walked out the door and went to sit by the lake. that's when those bitchey preps came up to me and started throwing pebbals. :(    
witch really hurted btw.

i got up and walked away again. i was thinking about how much pain i have suffered in the last few months. i was thinking about how im not accepted in this world. i was thinking about how my bf was doing (yes i am a guy and yes im gay. so is my bf. deal with it). the only thing is my mom dosen't know about us being together. she just thinks he is my bff. but he is way more then that. i love him so dearly. :) he always makes my day better. but the only thing is he is on vacation so yeah.

but i have go cause im getting yelled at :'( AGAIN!!!!!  

be on as soon as i can with another day of my life. love ya all <3 bye

july 31 2011 a day of my life

i woke up this morrning in a horable mood. i didn't know why but i did. i got changed and went to get some breackfast. but there was nothing in the fridge so i passed.

i went to my room to do some writting to get my mind off of things but all i could hear was my siblings fighting again. *sighes* here we go again i thought to myself.

after i got that all together me and my mom got into a huge argument about nothing really. so i looked at her and walked away. i slamed my door behind me and sat.

i am tired of sick always getting yelled at. always getting blamed.  always invisable unless they need something. im just tired period. how much more of this can i take.

i serched through my room for my blade. once i found it i started. to drain all the pain and all the sorrow in me. the guilt will never leave. the feeling so great. amazing.

you might ask why its so sattifing. there is really no reason it just is to me. the way the coldness of the blade touhes my skin. and the way the blood falls from the cut i made.

its just a awesome feeling. but i dont do it often cause then my mom would suspect something going on. she always does. witch is creepy i should say. >=) . mwa hahaha

well i shall go before i get in trouble for being on the laptop again. grrr. this is just non sence. oh well i just got to live with it. :( well until next time

XOXOXO ~amber

run

i dont think i can handle this anymore,
so i run,
run far away,
i take nothing,
but i dont care,
i just have to keep running for my dear life,
i might be an fallen angel,
here to help the oucasts like myself,
but theres something drawing me back,
away from my friends,
from the outcasts like me

not now

not right now,
not at this moment,
im going to cry,
cry my little heart out,
you broke it once again,
now it cant be fixed,
not now,
not never,
why did you do this to me,
i thought you loved me,
i thought you cared about me,
but i guess it was all a freaking lie,
not now,
i cant stand it anymore,
i grab a knife,
and carve into my arm,
why did you brake me again,
i watch it bleed,
and make puddles,
not now,
and not ever

waiting

never looking back,
just waiting for the moment,
of pain and blood,
of hurting and anger,
i take this knife and wait for you,
i slit my wrists,
cause of what ive bein through

broken lullaby

Awaken the children,
let them see,
all agony's within,
and perhaps just maybe,
they would lose all hope,
all their dreams,
all feelings would cope,
not the moon's shattered beams.
Awaken the infant,
the one who's mild,
as the moon once crescent,
now sings to that child.
All is lost,
so it seems,
like floods of life in frost,
living on shattered dreams.
Sing a broken tune,
so death may come,
all mourns the moon,
and all becomes numb.
Sing this broken lullaby,
so all may hear.
The last tear becomes dry,
as morrow comes near.
Sing and awaken all,
let them see,
how easy it is to fall,
and just let them be,
so they may sleep,
and fix all dreams,
for they're in deep,
as they ride moonlight's beams

hate

I press a blade hard against my pale white wrist,
seeking pain,
seeking comfort.
I smile as I see the bright crimson blood ozzes down my arm,
loosing sanity,
loosing myself.
I cry as I drop the kneif against the hard wood floor,
hateing the world,
hateing you